Saturday, September 13, 2014

Single Girl Spider Hysteria

We've all heard the stories.

"Woman lifts car off of her child."

"Girl lifts tractor off of her father."

"Man fights off grizzly bear to save his family."

It's called "Hysterical Strength" or perhaps you could call it tapping into your inner super-hero. Either way, there have been an endless supply of incredible stories about people who have been faced with intensely fearful or stressful situations and they are able to tap into this unnatural physical strength that would not be available in any ordinary situation. 

The reason this happens is because the intensely stressful situation causes an immediate rush of adrenaline throughout the body. The added adrenaline causes some areas of the body to have the blood circulation to be shut off so that it can be sent to areas of the body which need it more, such as the muscles. More blood moving to the muscles means more oxygen is being sent to the muscles, which in turn can allow them to work harder. Adrenaline + Oxygenated muscles = Superhuman Strength. 

While I have never lifted a fallen tree off of a child or anything of the sort, I feel like the past 3 months I have been living in a near constant state of adrenaline + oxygenated muscles. I've been able to perform several acts of inner strength that I was not aware that I was capable of achieving and I am very proud of what I have been able to accomplish all on my own. 

The reason for this is because I live in a house that produces spiders the size of house cats. 

I'm getting all heebie jeebied and watery eyed just thinking about it.

I don't know why I am being tested/cursed with these spiders, but they are unnaturally enormous and I feel as though my nerves are becoming more and more frayed as each day passes. Right when I let my guard down and being to relax, one will appear out of the corner of my eye as I am enjoying my morning coffee.

(I keep peering over to the corner of the room where this morning's visitor creeped into my field of vision, destroying my day).

I mean, what is a single girl to do? No big strong brave man (or woman) is going to magically appear in your time of need to sweep you to safety and take care of the situation. At times like this you need to just buckle down, let the adrenaline flow and take matters into your own hands. And this is what I have had to do, time and time again, as each massive arachnid infiltrates my place of residence.

Now I am not one who enjoys or endorses the killing of spiders, or any bug, insect or living creature of any kind. If these spiders were out in nature, enjoying the great outdoors and working on their tans, I would be calling over other people to come take a look at one of nature's coolest creatures. They make their own food traps by spinning sticky thread out of their butts and weaving elaborate webs of doom. How neat is that?

But these spiders don't make webs. They are not neat. They just walk around scaring people, causing me to rethink my every action within the apartment. Every time I pick something off of the floor I am terrified one will be waiting there. Every time I walk over to the kitchen sink, I have to take baby steps and inch forward, peering into the sink to see if anything is waiting to eat my hand when I reach in to fill up my water bottle. Every time something brushes my neck, arm or foot, I swat at myself and leap away in fear. My heart is always pumping faster than it should be, I jump at any dark shadow or object in my line of sight and my knees are always slightly weaker than I would like them to be.

This is not a healthy way to live. The human body is not meant to be in constant "fight-or-flight" mode and the stress will take it's toll on one's physical (and mental) health.

So they have to die.

It always take a while for me to work up the nerve to go through with it, but once the momentum starts, there is no turning back. The hormones and blood are pumping freely and the inner cavewoman in me is out in full throttle. The smashing and destroy-and-conquer state of mind swiftly takes over and death is the only answer. Whether the death is mine of the spiders is completely up to fate, but I have to take my chances. Luckily fate has been on my side up to this point and I have been the conqueror within my domicile, but this does not mean that the repercussions are not significant.

There is the post-massacre clean-up to deal with. For example, the woman who lifts the car to save her child, she comes down from her Hysterical Strength state and falls to the ground with a broken back. As for me, I come down from my high only to realize that I still have to deal with the corpse. It's just sitting there, all battered and deflated, and I have to lean over and pick it up. What if it isn't dead? What if it's one of those super smart spiders that fakes it's own death and will jump on my hand when I reach down and kill me??

Totally legit. This happened to someone I know. But she didn't die.

Again as the fates would have it, I have not had any incidences such as this yet. It might have something to do with the massive amount of smashing and destroying I do once the spider is under the shoe (yes I always use a shoe as my weapon of choice), but one can never be too careful.

In the end I know that it is wrong to kill spiders because they most definitely have an important part on the world. On the flip side of that, living in constant fear is something that I personally cannot handle. I have to channel my inner super-powers and deal with these creatures as they come at me. Conquering these dudes is my Hysterical Strength and the fact that I have to deal with them on my own makes it happen for me. I'm sure the woman would much prefer to have a tow-truck there to lift that car off of her child, but at that moment, all she has is herself. I'll admit that after each kill, while I am very shaky and rattled, I am extremely proud of my bravery because really, all I want to do is run outside and hide and pray that a magical fairy will carely sweep the spider up and release it onto a farm where it can run free, write words in her web and become friends with a pig who wants nothing more than to avoid becoming slaughtered.

How how I love Charlotte's Web. Why can't my spiders be more like Charlotte??

Oh, and you're welcome for not putting any pictures of spiders on this post. 


  1. Totally understand. And dude, buy spider spray! Create a fortress of cancer-causing-chemical protection around you! Better than living in constant hyper-alert fear!

    So my version of "take matter into your own hands" is to make Parker kill them. He's old enough, it's time for him to start earning his keep.

    Except when he's at school, then I have no choice but to deal with them. As I wrote this, I had to go deal with a beetle in the basement. Those fuckers are squirmy. I debated just leaving the kleenex covering him, that way I didn't have to pick him up and risk him jumping onto my hand, because those bastards do that. I scooped him and bolted upstairs as fast as my stubby little legs would carry me and then triple flushed the little bastard just to make sure he didn't climb back out of the toilet to seek revenge on me. Because they do that too.

  2. The fact that you said "fuckers" (once) and "bastards" (twice) makes me think that you feel very strongly about this subject. I applaud you making your first born earn his keep by taking on the bug responsibility. Every time I come home from work/town I say to Axel, "Did you kill any spiders today?" I dream that he's cleaning them all up while I am away so that I never have to see them.