Thursday, August 23, 2012

Book Review: 50 Shades of Grey

Alright. The time has come for me to write about the 50 Shades of Grey books. Hold on. I need a drink.

*Goes and gets a bottle of Keiths and takes a long swig*

You know when you were a kid and your mom would tell you to not do something, but you just had to test her and did it anyway? Remember how the second you did it you instantly regretted it because it led to either, a) severe pain, b) horrible embarrassment, c) a bath, d) being grounded, e) toys taken away, or f) a trip to the emergency room? Let's just say that I wish that mom had warned me to not read these books because instant regret flooded through me when I finished them.

I only started to read the first one because I was hearing so much about it and how insanely "controversial" it was. I'll admit that all the attention that it got had sparked my interest and I started to ask around about it. I heard mixed reviews and decided that I'd have to read it myself because I never make my decisions of books to read or movies to watch based on other peoples' opinions because what someone else may like could completely differ from what I like. So I got my hands on book #1 and read it within about a week (I was on vacation at the time). I just...have really nothing good to say about this book. The writing was poor and if I didn't know who the author was, apart from the rather graphic sex scenes, I would have guessed that a teenager wrote it. There was absolutely no depth to the book, the reading level seemed very low, and every so often she would throw in a big word to make her sound intellectual, but it just came across sounding out of place. The characters are extremely one dimensional and so insanely predictable that it became hard to read.

Anastasia (lead female character): The beautiful (but she doesn't know it) leading lady who is 100% pure and innocent (but every man who meets her loves her but she is clueless and ignorant to their advances) and has never had a boyfriend and has definitely never had sex or any sexual experience whatsoever. She's clumsy and simple but smart and educated.

Christian (lead male character): The unimaginable gorgeous man who makes every single woman swoon and blush by merely looking at him. He had a horrible early childhood which left him emotionally damaged. He was adopted by a wealthy couple and grew into a self sufficient billionaire who has a secret S&M lifestyle in which he contracts women to be his submissives but never ever has personal or emotional relationships with the women. He just ties them up, whips them and does all types of naughty things to them.  

Plot: The two meet. They have an instant carnal attraction which leads them into a constant spiral of situations which ends up creating a magical and unconditional love.

It was bad. Really bad. "Oh I love you but you don't love me but you do love me but won't tell me that you love me so I have to leave you while you figure out what you want but then I have to come back to you because I love you and love the kinky things you do to me." Give me a break.

Ok, so you'd think that I would have stopped reading them after finishing the first one. The same damn thing happened to me with those retched Twilight books. I read the first one and even though it was unbelieveable atrocious, I felt the need to read the next one because what if the second one was better? What if the author learned how to write after completing the first one? What if the characters grew in dimension and wisdom and personality as time went on? Why doesn't this ever happen and why do I always fall for it???

Let me just skip to the ending and say that these books are not good. Like, really not good. The books are so badly written that I felt embarrassed many times while reading them. The author clearly does not know how to create and build up the story-line or the situations within it, so she fills each book up with multiple small scenerios that come and go as quickly as it takes to turn a page. Someone was kidnapped? What's going to happen? 6 pages later, kidnapping resolved! 3 pages after that heart pounding scene, new shocking turn of events! How will this be resolved? 4 pages later, problem resolved! Give me a break.

And don't get me started on the words that she uses. If I had a nickel for every time that these characters "muttered", "rolled their eyes", "murmured, "whispered", said "Holy Shit" or talked about how much they love each other and promise to never, ever, in a million trillion years leave one another, I would be as rich as Christian Grey.

So why are these books to popular? Why are women flocking to the bookstores or buying electronic versions of this book by the millions? Because it leads people to fantasize that we can change people and that love is strong enough to make a person change who they are. It can make you dream that the simple, everyday mousy girl can get the most powerful and beautiful man in the country by simply being herself. It gets women to fantasize about this amazing man who cares only for you and would move mountains for you, and only you. And this man can do things to you sexually that you never dreamed possible and then take you for a ride in his own helicopter (which he can fly himself obviously). It's kinky and romantic all at once. It turns women on. It mostly turned me off, but maybe I'm just built differently.

There is one good things that came from this book. They called their "playroom time", or "red room of pain", kinky f*ckery, which I think is hilarious and I plan to use that. And please watch this video. Please. It's too funny to pass up.

1 comment:

  1. That video is fricken hilarious.